Well I just adopted this philosophy yesterday so it is still a little rough, I haven't worked it out completely in my head. I kind of stole it from Camile yesterday. Basically it is that we are constantly given the opportunity to fix what is wrong inside of ourselves. As I look back on my life I can see all of the chances I have had to fix some of my issues and I can see how "coincidentally" another opportunity has arisen at a time I am able to recognize and correct my issue.
If that doesn't make a lot of sense to you than maybe as I explain how I came to understand and adopt this philosophy it will make more help. As I was talking to Camile about my "Mommy and Daddy" issue we realized that one of the ways I wasn't "speaking my truth" (one of Camile's favorite phrases) is that I try to protect people by not saying what I feel and when I do that I am actually hurting both of us. I know some of you are saying "but if I say something that hurts their feelings than I'm not doing them any good." That is exactly how I felt until yesterday but as Camile was explaining that our lives are like puzzles and if we don't have all of the pieces then we aren't whole. My mind went strait to my scar blog. If I had told Mom and Dad that I was passing a clear jell instead of normal bowels I'm sure that they would have taken me to the hospital sooner and we all would have suffered a lot less. So you see if we "speak our truth," even if it hurts a persons feelings for a short time, it opens the door to discuss the issue you may be having at that time.
I don't think I'm making my self very clear so I think one more example should rap everything up. As I said I try to protect people by not saying what is on my mind. Well as I was looking back into my past I could see how I have done that over and over with the women in my life. Then I realized that I now have a new opportunity correct that error and, if looked at from my philosophy's point of view, that things have recently been building up to this point. I have always been the "good friend" that all of the women in my life have come to for a shoulder to cry on. In most of those cases I would tell them what I believed they wanted to hear at that time. Old Jenn is a perfect example of this, she would call in the middle of the night and cry and complain and I did everything I could to try and ease her pain. Other times she would call to talk but wouldn't talk about the problem and so, being the protective guy, I would let it slide even when she had an issue with me. In the end she cut my heart out with a wooden spoon. As I told ShanTay last Friday, I'm tired of being just the "good friend." I had started changing my behavior when I met new Jenn even before I really realized the reasons behind the behavior. Now the next step is to change that behavior with everyone else in my life.
I know I have done a horrible job of explaining this and I'm not trying to be the family shrink but I think it is very important. If done in a respectful calm manner I think we as a family can become more whole if we simply (ha ha simple, right) "speak our truth" to each other. Let me know if I can explain things better.
Before I say anything else a disclaimer: I'm not committing to anything I am simply voicing my thoughts. This philosophy has made me think about just what is leading me to these opportunities to fix my issues over and over again. In my mind it can't just be coincidence. I'm still holding to the fact that I have to search for the truth myself. As I think back after I fell away from the church those "coincidences" seem to keep pushing me back toward the church.
No comments:
Post a Comment